Hi y'all,

I'm quite ashamed to write this, but I'm going to do it anyway.
I have always been an anxious person and for the last two years I have been through a rough time. However, it's going pretty well lately.

Despite this, since a week or 2, I suddenly got a vague fear that does affect my daily life. I am constantly worried that everything around me is fake, that I am in a coma or that I am dreaming. That everything that happened in my life, and now happens in my life, has never happened, and never is happening. That the people I love do not even exist. It sounds really crazy now I am writing this down .. I do not understand where this fear suddenly comes from though. I also wonder whether I actually believe in it, or whether it is more of a fear itself. I think it is mainly fear.

But I keep wondering why we are here on earth, what I am doing here in the world. Why I look like the way I look. I want to have answers to everything, because I feel so unsafe in one way or another.
When you think about it, life is very vague, right? We do not even know why we are here, how we got here and what it would be like if life had never been possible. Then there was just nothing at all .. How strange is that? I probably think too much and too deep and sometimes I am almost afraid of becoming psychotic, although I have never had psychoses.

Every time I experience something fun, I think: 'There is no point in enjoying it, because it is not real. This is your experience, but the people around you are not real. Maybe you are controlled like in a computer game, or you are in a coma and this is all an illusion. '
I find it difficult to explain ... I also do not know if there is a type of underlying depression. Somewhere I am afraid of death, on the other hand I long for death because I want to know what happens then, and I feel like I am going crazy about the concerning and anxious thoughts.

Like I said, I have had a difficult period and am now recovering from it. Things are finally getting better and I feel happier, but now I think: 'It does not matter how I feel, because everything is fake.'
For example, I like being with people I love, helping people I love. But there is no point in helping people I love if these people don't even exist.
Maybe this is a kind of de-realization / depersonalization, or I'm just going crazy. I just think it's a very scary idea that we do not know why we are here. There is just no explanation and that makes me all think of things myself ...
I am now also afraid that I will never be able to enjoy life again because I am afraid that life does not exist at all.

In any case, I will stop rattling now. I wondered if anyone has any idea what this is, and why I suddenly think this way. And if someone recognizes it .. On google I came across some recognizable experiences. Nevertheless, I like to post my own story here.