I can relate to what you are saying about your mom, FeelingLost. Ditto. Me too. And all the other terms associated with it.
Last time my Ma hit me, I knocked her on her hiney and her wig flew off. Told her that was the last time she would ever touch me. That was...oh...50 years ago, give or take. She is dead now. No loss.

Your mom was the beginning. She does not have to be your end.

Anyway...like me, you will have to come to terms that your mom was/is mentally ill. Once you do that...maybe you can move on like I did.