^ Truth in those words.

And now I ramble some more.

Last week he was saying how I could go through his phone and he'd never leave the house. What do you say to that? I don't wanna be some weird controlling psycho and that's controlling behavior I would never tolerate from another person, much less do to someone. I'd hate myself for it. And he knows I find things like that disgusting invasions of people's privacy.

I was really pissed he'd even say such a thing to me, not just because he knows I'd hate myself if I did such things. He insists he really just goes to the gas station for forty minutes a shot even though the place is like a three minute drive from here if that. He applies for loans and won't tell me. He steals money from me and kids and won't tell me. He gets people who are not me telephones and won't tell me and his solution is to suggest I become a thing he knows I'll hate and a thing he will actively hate and resent. It's ridiculous. I don't want to go through his phone or hold him captive in his house. I wanted him to just be able to talk to me openly and honestly and he either can't or won't. It hurts.

And then he could do everything right, he could be nothing but honest from here on out, but there's still no way I could trust him given the sheer volume of things he has hidden from me, lied to me about, and/or turned back around onto me over the years. Either way it's not fair to either of us. I know this isn't love. Staying with him hurts one or both of us. But damn I miss him something fierce today. I miss him something fierce everyday.

I keep going back and forth knowing this was right and being afraid I was wrong. I have issues. I have trust issues. So I go back to thinking how I am overreacting and just being crazy and it's not so bad. Then I get hit with these thoughts of all he has done over the years and then I think, no, this was right. Then I wonder if it is right why does it hurt so much and feel so wrong. But I've been listening to him for years and just believing the lies because I don't really know how to expect different from people. I just need to pretend all is ok.

I think about how it was when I was a kid. My mom's an abusive junkie and the lies and crazy all in that leave you wondering if up really is down and lies are really truth and you get comfortable living this lie trying to pretend all is ok when nothing is ever ok. But still, you try to make it look ok. I did anyway. And I did the exact same thing with him and sometimes I know it. Other times I just wonder if it's me being paranoid and not trusting when I should trust because of my issues. I've been questioning the validity of my thoughts a lot lately. Change scares me to. Meh.

Oh but this is temporary. Emotions are temporary. Need to remind myself of that now and then. He got me all messed up and all I can do right now is wish he was here.

And this is where I am right now.

-Avery