Thank you, Salinger and LT, for sharing that.
C did respond.
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I think I get at least a part of what hurts you, because
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right now, the 'little' part of me so badly wants to just cling to you and be held and bury her face in your shoulder and hide and cry, because everything hurts
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makes me wish so badly I could be that to you, that it hurts to not be able to.
But I fantasized, as you hid yourself on my couch today, that I was there to protect you and keep you safe while you drew into yourself.
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The emotions have settled down, and I'm mostly left feeling like today was an important introduction into what therapy with C could really be like, I think...I hope. We've spent the past 4 months getting to know one another -- building trust, building a relationship. Today felt different. It felt like, for the first time really, us working together - doing therapy together. And, I didn't feel alone. I felt safe with him - even when I reacted and threw up all the walls. I haven't felt like that before.
I've not done therapy like we did today before - with anyone. I could not have done that with S (exT) -- I would have felt silly. We were too much friends to do that kind of thing. And, he would have found it too gimicky - too "by the book therapy." It just wasn't us.
But, it is C and me. He gives me permission to speak from 'other parts' of myself and not stop those voices just because my logical side knows what they say isn't 'logically true' (something I couldn't do with S). C makes me feel ok walking through something as 'by the book' and 'gimicky' as visualized unboxing and describing what I see. Maybe it is those things, but it works. It works for me.
I am still achey. Sometimes, I think that C's desire/wish that he could be my dad, that he could hold and protect me, can be enough. But, something can't 'be enough' without the grieving of all it can't be.
I want to go in tomorrow, hug him like a little girl, cry into him, and hold on until the ache stops. He allows hugs, but I'm still..just..not there. Not really. Only in my fantasy world. And, besides...I can never be a little girl hugging him for real.