I am going to try again because I want to associate it, I want to pin it down, I want to articulate and gather and name it. This might be very triggering, so please don't read if s/a is hard for you to read about. I need to say this.

I was very triggered going in to therapy today. Something happened at Christmas with an abuser and although it was "minor" I suspected it meant something different to someone else inside because of the degree of triggering and dissociation that followed. But at the same time I wondered if it wasn't real and "being triggered" and flooded with sadness about that was just a way of avoiding some important but overwhelming work I have to do for my job. Because what happened wasn't a "big deal".

So I was very triggered going in. We said our hellos and then I just dissociated away... one after the other, jumping from topic to topic, always coming back to the triggering topic and then leaping away again because it burned. Around and around we went, in and out, none of us able to stay in place for any length of time or sentence, switching in and out and away again.
Then at about 20 minutes in, words were said and once out they couldn't be put back in, the secret was said. They were words that let T know what happened at Christmas, this Christmas, not years ago, but now, this week, right here.

Then came the backlash, the inner perpetrators, the barrage of internal abuse directed at a little one who sat terrified and silent, hiding herself as best she could, shaking in the chair.
After a time T managed to reach her and calm her so gently kindly, with whispered words it's okay, you're safe, you're here in my office, nothing can hurt you here, and gently lead her/me/us back into the room softly gently slowly.

She helped us get grounded again, using scents and textures, things to hold and touch and smell and see. She helped me verbally lead her through my work day, walking through setting up and preparing the environment, getting everything ready and organized. This part was soft and peaceful and grounding. It felt safe for then.

Then time jumped again and I was aware that some part was telling T about an abuse incident from years ago when
I managed to put two and two together and realized that was when a particular alter was created, a promiscuous one whom we have never talked about, never connected with, never accepted or wanted, and then there was so much sad that flowed and washed over me us them.

I thought I could say more about what happened next. There was switching our way through that old abuse scenario and then it jumped back to Christmas with

a big blank spaceness that cannot exist

We had to leave. We couldn't bear to be alive in front of her any longer.