Hello. Newbie here. Nice to meet you.
I'm a 17-year-old girl who has lived the majority of her life halfway across the world from her parents and being bounced around between several different relatives - a couple of which were emotionally abusive and one of which was sexually abusive. I have been depressed pretty much since as long as I can remember, I have had suicidal ideations since I was eight years old, and I have been self-harming since I was fifteen years old. Yeah, I'm pretty messed up.
I supposedly have an exceptionally high IQ, but over the past few years, all I have been feeling is a big fog in my head that inhibits my mental capabilities. This, combined with the fact that I always seem to be ridiculously tired, lazy, and unmotivated all the time, has resulted in continually declining grades at school, causing me to hate myself even more. As is common among many high school and college kids, I directly associate my worth with how I perform at school and my GPA has just been plummetting down rapidly, which gives me so much stress and anger towards myself. Furthermore, I am an absolute blockhead when it comes to emotional intelligence and thus unintentionally screw up social interactions all the time. Yay, more reasons to hate myself.
Above everything else, I just really, really, really miss my dog, who is my favorite person/thing in the entire galaxy and without whom I can't possibly live, whom I haven't seen in four months now because he resides with my previous family, from which I was forced by my parents to leave because the abuse had gotten out of hand. I literally cry every single night because I miss him so much. However, whenever I cry, within seconds, I automatically shut off my emotions, as I have trained myself to do over the years, so I no longer feel anything and immediately stop crying.
Anyway, today (well, technically yesterday because it's, like, past 2AM here right now) marked one year since the day I had gotten so extremely close to killing myself (although I ended up not actually attempting it due to a text I received that exact moment that snapped me out of it), was brought to the ER (I've actually always wanted to try riding in an ambulance so that was pretty cool), evaluated, and sent to an inpatient facility for a week. Yeah, that sucked. I'm such an idiot for letting that happen and go on my record when I really want to join the FBI and the military and stuff in the future if I end up living that long.
Well, the last few months have been relatively good, but this morning, I woke up to the sound of my aunt screaming at me for no apparent reason, which freaked me out so much and gave me flashbacks of certain incidents with a different aunt with whom I used to live and has bipolar disorder, which was really weird and annoying. This entire day, I've been feeling this awkward, horrible, empty feeling inside me, which got a whole lot worse when I accidentally scratched someone's car with my own for the first time and had to deal with that.
Well, I don't know if it's the date, my aunt, the car, or what, but I have been feeling extremely depressed today, far more than usual, and find it especially difficult to stop thinking about suicide (don't worry, I won't do it anytime soon, though).
I hate my life; I hate myself. I don't even know what sorts of replies I expect from this, but please, do you have any tips/advice for me?
Thank you for your time and I'm sorry I took up so much of it.