Hello everyone. I've stumbled upon this site looking for a little hope. Previously in my life, I was one to not care what people thought about me, what I looked like, what I said or did. I was a hard working student at the top of my class. Rarely did I have a problem communicating or talking to new people. For the past year or so, I've been experiencing periods of feeling like I love life and periods of overwhelming depression. I don't tell anyone about these feelings I have because I don't want anyone to think I'm "crazy" or "looking for attention." I ended up dropping out of high school my senior year, losing my job, breaking up with my boyfriend of four years, and damaging family relationships...and for God knows why. I'm now currently unemployed because I cannot find the motivation to get a job. I still live with my parents, whom I don't have a stable relationship with anymore. I get slightly paranoid in social situations. If I go to parties, I stay quiet out of fear of saying something ridiculous or I just talk to the few people I'm comfortable with. If someone approaches me to talk, I usually feel like there's a fog in my head, like I don't know what to say. If I try to talk, it all comes out in a nervous studder or irrational speech. I have the tendency to think that people talk about me behind my back or think horrible things about me. Even though I know it's generally not happening, I continue to think these thoughts. On the other hand, I have periods of feeling high self worth and praise worthy, sometimes becoming vain. I'll feel like I'm going to take the steps to become successful (get a job), improve my self image and social image... I end up letting myself down. I always feel the need to be doing something. I try to hang out with my close friends as much as possible. It makes me feel like I'm "at my best". It makes me unusually happy when I get to spend time with the few people I really love in this world. When I'm feeling happy, I'm energetic, fun, talkative and full of laughter or just plain loving, giving and soft hearted.. When I'm feeling sad, it's the lowest low I've ever felt. I become cold and irritable. I get completely snappy and selfish. I know something is wrong because I know I should not be feeling like this. I'm apprehensive when it comes to treatment. The only person who I feel comfortable talking to about my feelings is someone who is overwhelmed with their own life, which I would not want to be a burden on anyone. I just want everything to clear up and I want to feel alright. I don't know what to do.