I'm sorry to hear about all the things you're dealing with at the moment. Do you have a therapist? Although you seem remarkably strong and resilient, a good therapist can help you navigate some of life's obstacles and remind you to use your coping skills instead of trying to harm yourself. I encourage you to find one trained to work with abuse survivors.

Also, because you're a young person I feel the need to tell you something about grades and overachieving. I worked my butt off in high school and college, graduated first in my high school class and magna cum laude in college with a bachelor's degree in biochemistry and molecular biology. I found a decent job that started almost immediately after graduation and a few months later applied for an even better job at a medical school doing research on cancer cells. About 6 months later, I had a nervous breakdown and had to take a medical leave of absence from this great job because I couldn't focus on my work. I was hearing voices and having terrible mood swings and was ultimately diagnosed with bipolar 1 with psychotic features and I've been on disability since 2003 after being hospitalized for a manic/psychotic episode. I was 24.

I didn't tell you that story to scare the crap out of you, but just to tell you that self esteem tied to academic performance is just asking for trouble. Of course you want to do your best in school, but try not to feel awful about yourself for having problems. It wasn't your fault that you were abused and you're now dealing with traumatic memories, but it's your responsibility now to get help for your issues. I wish you the best.