I'm sorry you have to deal with, live with, know this stuff. I know that saying it's not easy is a horrible understatement. And I know saying you are being brave and strong right now in facing this probably offers zero comfort, but it's true nonetheless. You shouldn't have to deal with this, it's wrong and not fair and you deserve good things and not all this awful.

The messed up reality is though that we do have to deal at some point with all the awful that others made us live through. I mean, there's always the option not to deal, but that stuff tends to just resurface for me, so I end up having to deal eventually even when I would rather not do so. And it's brutal, but ultimately it is healthy. I think. That's what I've been told anyway... no comfort in those words while living through it though.

How to deal? I dunno. Slowly, carefully, patiently, with no shortage of self care tossed in the mix. Understanding helped me eventually, but it took awhile for me to get there. Some days I still disconnect from that understanding, but I do go back now to trying to understand that 'I' was a child and had it not been for the things others did to me/put me through, that child me never would have done such things.

Sorry if I said too much and I hope what I said was ok. Your words set off a memory in my head of falling apart on my floor one day and yeah, I relate and understand as much as I can from where I sit. If I was a huggy person, this is where I would hug you.

-Avery