thx everyone. well, i made it outside today! it was actually pretty scary, my heart was pounding. i felt that everyone could "see through" me... that they could see how absolutely vulnerable and tired i'm feeling. but i did it. i showered, dressed, and went out the door. had to mail a form back to the counselling center to get a place on their waiting list, so got that into the postbox. i've made it one more day and each day i get through gives me that little bit more hope that i will survive this.