"So, you could stop caring about me, and there's nothing I could do about it? to stop it?" "Yes." ....so that's how MY session ended today......
I'm not even kidding. I'm a f***ing mess. I talked about S most of this session. And about the difference in my feelings towards S and towards C. and at the end, I told him I was scared I'd said too much. That he'd think I didn't need him anymore and would stop responding to my emails, stop caring about me, that I'd be replaced. I didn't say it, but I also worried my telling him that I do think of him every day may have taken him aback and now he'd pull away... whatever. I told him my fears that he'd stop caring about me, and he said "well, if it were to happen, there's nothing you could do about it or to stop or change it." And I thought...is he saying what I think he's saying?? So I repeated to him: "So, you could stop caring about me, and there's nothing I could do about it?" And he said "Yes. But, it goes the other way too. If you wanted me to stop caring, there's nothing you could do..."
I said "well that's just made thing 10 times worse, and so I'm going to leave now" and ran out and bawled the whole way home. My stomach is still in agonizing knots.
He emailed me and apologized, asked me to forgive him, and said he misspoke - that he wasn't going to stop caring about me or wishing he could protect me and keep me safe. But, I said...
Quote:
I believe you regret saying it, and I forgive you, but it's not like it was untrue.
If life experience has taught me anything, it's that anyone can stop caring, and anyone can leave, and there is nothing I can do about it. I don't want that to be true, but it is. And hearing it out loud, hearing it from you especially, hurts, and I want, more than anything in the world, for you to be able to "scoop little me up" and promise me that you won't stop caring about me and that you won't leave me, but you can't. Nobody can. I'm not a child, and the time for anyone to say those things is gone. And, in fact, the people who have made those promises are the ones who broke them in the shittiest ways. Made worse because I keep wanting so badly to believe such a promise can be true...I keep believing it can be true "maybe this time...maybe this time." I hate it. I hate it. And everything is agony.
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Dammit, guys
I let myself believe again...
I keep wanting so badly to believe someone is going to care, permanently, and stay (excluding death/serious injury/illness, you know).
But he freaking SAID it, and I don't care that he's trying to retract it - he DID mean what he said. He said it multiple times in different words/ways.
Everything hurts.