Yesterday's session:

We had rescheduled to 1pm because T is going away. Our usual time is 7pm.

It was weird going there in the daytime - I had a brief panic on the bus at one point because I didn't know where it was, and then I realised... oh… that's because I can't usually see where it is. My night vision is terrible.

It was nice to see his house in the light, though. I noticed he has a chicken… a wooden chicken?... in his front room window. So, erm, that's interesting.

There were two crows right outside, looking like they were up to something, as they often do… I was five minutes early so I watched them for a bit. It felt like a good omen.

I rang the bell, he came to get me, we went in…

The first thing I did was sit down, take off my shoes, and tip one of them upside down to get a piece of gravel out. I tipped it into my hand and T automatically passed the bin over to me. I smiled and said "that was annoying!"

I passed the money over to him, apologising for the pile of pound coins, and folded my legs underneath myself.

T said something like "you've surprised me with dragonflies!", referring to the top I was wearing. I said "you expected cats? I also like insects a lot!" (we've talked before about my penchant for cat-themed clothes/jewellery - he notices these things!)

We talked a bit about how I'd found it weird to go there in the daytime. I told him about the crows, about the panic on the bus. He gestured towards the half-open blinds, saying that in the daytime he tries to have it so that light will come through but people can't see in. I think it must look out onto the back of his neighbour's house.

Then we talked about how I felt bad, making him see me right before his holiday… I said, I know, I know, I'm not really making him... and he said - “yes, I was going to say, I thought we'd come to a mutual agreement!”

I said I know that really, but my feelings won't listen.

I told him about a session with a previous therapist (the one before T(wat)), when we’d rescheduled to an evening appointment instead of the morning and I'd felt like I was intruding somehow. How he lived in a top floor flat on the seafront and walking up the stairs, smelling people's dinners cooking, I'd felt like I shouldn't be there.

I told him that when we'd first arranged the regular 7pm appointment, I’d wondered if I'd feel that way with him, seeing him in the evening…

But I never did. I always felt welcome.

So I theorised - perhaps rather than this being about the time of day, it was about the change in routine? Or was it about him going away?

I said I felt like it must be annoying for him to see me just before he goes away. He must feel like I do about the last couple of days of work I'm doing before I go away on Monday…

He said… "would it help to say welcome, Luc - you are welcome here?"

...and I very quickly responded with "I don't believe you."

I feel bad about that. Why did I say that? I do believe him. He always makes me feel welcome. I feel like I rejected his kindness.

He said something like "well, I'm saying it, and I do mean it.”

I guess part of me was feeling something that couldn't be changed by anything he said, that wasn't really about him. Some part of me couldn't feel welcome, no matter what. I wish that part hadn't so quickly rebuffed what he'd said though.

T said... “would it help to hear my side of this?”... something like that, I can't remember the words that were used here very well.

...and I said... “like, that it's hard for you to be away from all your clients for so long?”

He said that he feels bad, not being there for his clients. Then, I think he got a bit anxious about the self-disclosure... he said, that's his stuff obviously, and he works on it in supervision and in his therapy… But all I felt about it in the moment was... ah, that's ‘cos you're a good person, T, a genuinely kind person. And it did help. To know that it's hard for him too.

It feels really good, thinking about it now, thinking that he cares, that it's hard for him to leave me (us). But... that's the thing with self-disclosure, even when it feels good, it can have negative effects.

Like, later in the session, when I was really sad, it did occur to me (maybe this is why I posted in Dear T, apologising) that my being that way could make things harder for him. That it would be kinder to be like "you go off on your holiday, T, and don't worry about me, I'm just fine, la la la!"...

So then part of me felt bad for being sad.

Anyway, I just said... “that does make me feel better, actually.” And I moved on.

I said I'd had a really bad couple of days... Probably a combination of exhaustion and hormones. I talked about my discovery of 'atypical depression', how it sounds like something I might have, and he asked some questions about it, we talked through it a bit.

I said that I feel comforted by the thought of it in a way, but that also a diagnosis would be meaningless if I won't try medication for it.I said it feels nice to think that some of my problems in that area could be a condition, rather than... just me.

I talked about how my parents have both suffered a lot with depression, and I always kinda wondered... why not me, why don't I relate to it? So when I read about the 'atypical' kind it was like... something clicked.

I said... how I was miserable as a teenager, but I blocked it out with drugs and alcohol and sex... and now that I no longer have those things... the sadness is very much there. He asked something like, what other emotions was I blocking out? And I said, well, the anxiety, obviously - that appeared in the last five years or so.

And, that what I'm really suffering with right now... is anger. So much anger at everyone and everything, and underneath it is just terrible bottomless sadness. I was thinking about how T(wat) told me that everyone lets me down, and it annoyed me, because it was his way of wriggling out of his responsibility… but it rang true. I do feel let down a lot. I didn't say that, though. I'm not sure why.

And then I told him about Tuesday, how I was so angry at my partner, and later, so angry at at a friend, and how they were so nice about it.

We talked about how I get even more angry with people online than in person, and how I don't read these forums much anymore because I just get so upset all the time.

T asked if there are people I don't feel angry at. He asked how it felt when my friend was nice to me, in response to my anger. And he asked what comes after the anger, and what I do with it...

I said there are a couple of people I can think of that just don't seem to trigger my anger. Plus him. He doesn't make me angry. I'm not really sure why.

I said that my friend being so nice to me was hard. It's almost like I want people to get angry back at me... and when they don't... guilt, and self-hatred. There's always so much self-hatred after the anger. I hate myself and I want to hurt myself, it all gets turned inwards.

I said... “I want to hurt myself”, and I was crying silently, and T was sitting silently, and then there were the voices of children drifting in from outside. It was a weird moment. A sad moment.

I told T that I cried and cried and cried on Tuesday, I just cried all day. He said "do you know what you were crying for?"

And I knew that the answer is simply that I hate myself, but I couldn't say it.

So I just said 'yes, I know why', and I curled up and I cried some more.

I was sort of coming in and out of being near to dissociative, lost in sadness, physically and emotionally trying to disappear… we talked a bit about it, when I was managing to breathe and look at him and pull myself together... I told him I wanted to curl up forever, to disappear.

He asked me if the floor was warm enough for me to curl up on... I thought that was weird. He actually put his hand down and touched the floor, to gauge its warmth. He asked if I could curl up in the chair, and what curled up me would say... or would she say nothing?

I said she wouldn't say anything, she just wants to disappear.

I felt too self-conscious, then, to curl up, and it was getting towards the end of the session… I needed to pull myself out of it.

T said it was getting towards the end and asked what I might need from him. He asked if I wanted him to stop looking at me, something like that... maybe he thought I would want to curl up if he wasn't looking? I guess he picked up on my self-consciousness. I was a bit confused about what was happening at the time.

I looked at him, and said... “we need to talk about something else”, and we both sat in silence for a minute, trying to decide what to talk about. He breathed in, as if he was about to say something, but I thought of something at the same time… so he let me speak.

I told him about a song I'd been listening to on the bus, how I'd never really fully HEARD it before, even though I'd heard it many times. How moved I had been by it. I described it to him in some detail. He asked what it was, repeated the name of the singer back to me... like he was genuinely interested. I wonder if he will look it up. I love the thought that he might actually look it up. He was probably just humouring me though.

We had some further light conversation, as I left. I said “I hope you have a good holiday”, but I said it looking at my feet like a sulky teenager. I did mean it.

I wish I'd said “I'll miss you".