Your T really loves you, and it doesnt stop the pain. We humans are so complicated, that sometimes affection opens the wounds right up. It seems like we here feel your T's love for you shining through your posts, and yet the mechanism inside you that would let you make use of it to feel peace and to feel precious isnt quite working the way he wishes it would. Thank you for sharing your tears with ours- there's so much pain on this forum, but also so much beautiful human curiosity to understand not just one's own experiences but others too. The love is there for you from your T, but it is outside the reach of your tears today.