C,

I do feel your care. I truly do. And I believe in it - that's why, even though I couldn't help but hear "I'm going to stop caring about you, and there's nothing you can do about it," I also knew that that's not what you were saying, and that you weren't conveying what you really meant. I knew that.

The pain I'm feeling now and can't seem to make my way out of tonight isn't really about you or what you said today. It's about S. And my ex-stepmom. And all the people who I loved/still love, who I thought loved me, and who either stopped loving me or just never did, and I didn't realize it.

I called S out on his not responding to my texts from yesterday. I told him they had been important to me, that I wasn't doing well today and, thus, reaching for him..to which he said "I'm sorry I'm not there when you reach." ...I said... "so am I."

I hate that this "box" (S box) is still here. That it was created at all. That it happened at all.

I was thinking that today, when I was quiet and staring at your rug, and didn't share it with you... that I wish it hadn't happened - everything with S. That seems simple and obvious, but it's not something I admit often -- I usually feel that having S is worth having been hurt by him. Still being hurt by him. Actually, I usually don't let myself think that he hurts me -- There is always too much doubt - that it's in my head, he's not really hurting me, it's just me blowing things out of proportion, taking things the wrong way. I'm just tired. And I wish that, with everything else I came to him with, my therapist (S) hadn't hurt me too.

P.S.,
I hope that that last paragraph doesn't come across as self pity or pity seeking, because I'm not meaning to feel sorry for myself.