Hello all, I just joined today and I'm hoping someone here can shed light on some possibilities that maybe hadn't occurred to before.

I do not suffer from mental illness, but I strongly suspect my father does... and I know for certain that it has become something detrimental to everyone around him, most particularly my mother.

This is a rather long story, but I'm afraid that it is necessary to go through it, in hopes of understanding the nuances in his mind and his relationships with others. My parents immigrated to the US from China about 22 years ago, and had me shortly after. While it was my father's idea, I think that this has had a lot of negative effects on him that have built up over time. He barely spoke any English, got fired from the job that allowed him and my mother to stay in the US, and they came pretty darn close to having to go back. It was my mother who actually took charge, got into residency at a hospital, and many years later she is now an anesthesiologist. She is also the only one of my parents who has an actual job. My father has had a short stint in the lab as a scientist, and for a brief period of time, was working on passing exams to become a physician as well (they both received Ph.Ds and graduated from medical school in China prior to coming to the US). However, this did not work out - whether it was due to lack effort on his part, or because he simply felt he did not want to do it anymore, I do not know. I merely know that he failed one of the necessary exams and did not try again.

The relationship between my mother and father is strange. For decades now, my mother has felt as though she must control everything, because if she didn't, nothing would get done. On one hand, she sees this as necessary - and, on that note, I agree with her to be honest. My dad has shown many times that he can be lacking in judgement and doesn't always prepare for the worst as he perhaps should. So I don't blame her for feeling as though she had to keep the family running, keep things from falling to pieces. But at the same time, I think this has been hard for my dad. He has no job, hasn't for the past twelve years at least, and while he manages our investment accounts, he spends most of his day in bed or playing with our dog, or doing who knows what on the Internet. While he speaks some English, there's definitely still a language barrier that's hard for him to work around. He often acts as though he doesn't respect my mother (and I word it that way in the hopes that I am wrong and he does respect her, just doesn't know how to show it). Over the past several years, since when I was in high school really (I am now 22 years old), he has been very irritable and even hostile towards her at times, even when not provoked. I know living with her isn't always easy - after all, I did it for almost my entire life. She can be very controlling and particular about how things are done. But that's no excuse to yell at her so much, especially when she is the breadwinner who has financially supported him and our family, and tried so hard to help him overcome whatever it is that's stopping him from finding something of his own to feel accomplished about, such as letting him invest the money she has made.

All in all, I think a lot of his behavior stems from his insecurity of being a stay at home dad, even though he has a MD and Ph.D and is probably smart enough to do a lot more. But over time, habits have developed that make this hard to do. He doesn't plan things out. He's not good at working with others. He gives up very easily, something that is probably easy to do when his wife can financially support him either way, even if it is a blow to his pride. He can go from being completely content and fine to yelling and being enraged in an instant.

I don't know if mental illness is a factor in all this. Truly, I want to see them both happy. My whole family wants to see my dad happier with his life. But we can't convince him to talk to a counselor or get help - every time we try, it only results in a huge argument that ends with him utterly refusing to do so. I can see it taking an increasingly large toll on my mother, who struggles to find ways to cover up for his odd behavior to her friends and tries to work her life plans around him, which isn't always doable. Every time I bring up the idea of talking to someone, she simply tells me he won't do it, and that it's not helpful unless he does, for what good does her talking to someone else about his problems do (not much, I admit). But I wonder if there's anything else that can be done, either by my mother for herself or something to at least help my dad feel better. Has anyone been, or know someone else who has been, in a situation like this before? What did they do?

If you've made it to the bottom of this very long post, thank you so much for taking the time to do so.