Recognotion is not what I am after. I had a long talk with a good friend today and it was quite helpful. I am at a loss of identity now. My kids are grown and we wanted more. We went to great lengths to get ready to adopt again. I am grieving the loss of the child who was ours for 14 months and I am mourning the fact that there are people in this world who get off on power. Who somehow are threatened by someone with ethics, morals, values, whatever. And so to get at me I have been accused of child abuse. That is the worst anyone could do to me ever because of my own mother. Though the state has cleared me the county continues to spew filth. I am waiting for the state to put a stop to it.

So I am mourning the fact that I have no power to stop these type of people from hurting innocent people. I am watching people at a child care center bully other staff and say demeaning things in front of children, of the children. Again,these people can smell blood and are threatened easily and go for the throat. I am so glad to have some clarity in my mind. And I am told that I need to find a new job, about living this time. So many deaths. And yesterday I found that a friend of mine finally succumbed to breast cancer on Dec 30. I didn't know. I was getting my hair cut when I learned.

I know without question that I was excellent at my job of many years. I kept my head low and tried to do whatever I could for my clients within the boundaries of the programs or tools I had at hand. So I developed a new way to use a program designed to give people care in their homes. I did this one client at a time because they didn't want to go to nursing homes. And then after many years the state got suspicious of every move I made. I was trained to advocate and trained by attorneys to move between the lines to get needs met. I was very good at it. And, again, according to my friend, people were threatened. So my agency supported me but I was continually harrassed by the state. After a while the agency started to get sick of the crap they were taking. There is much much more to it. This is the abbreviated version. The irony is that I am afraid of people being upset with me but My friend pointed out I don't back down when I feel there is a moral or ethical issue. I stand up and do whatever I can for the client.

So the child care place, I am only distantly connected to but it eats at me everyday. Everytime I hear more stuff. You see, caring for these children is a priveledge. It is the same priveledge of caring for my older and disabled clients and developing resources for them. So the PTSD makes me react and feel such pain at the injustice that bring this stuff into my life but I can't stop myself from the feelings. A deep grief and pain. I love people. I expect the best of them. I want people to be treated with kindness, high reguard and respect. I hurt when that doesn't happen. I hurt for me because of my history and I hurt for the victims of all of the above.

As for my need to be recognized. I have to say I live in a pretty rural place and I do run into old clients and their families. They have ALL said they wish I were back and that they are so sorry to see me gone. I have explained to them that I left for personal reasons and I appreciate their kind words. But the words are not neccesary. My conscience is quite clear. I know what I gave and I know what it cost and I couldn't/'wouldn't do anything any differently. The only thing I have trouble with is the statement that I intimidate people because I stick to my values and don't back down. I am a big chicken, afraid of the world and I intimidate people? Weird huh?

Thanks all for helping to clarify for me and continuing to strain it and filter it through for me. I learned to cry about 4 years ago and now I can't stop. It's so on the surface all of the time.