I kicked my b/f out 7 months ago...because there had been ongoing drug use that was torturing our relationship.

The last year he was here I wanted him to leave and he wouldn't...then my youngest son needed to come home to live because he started having seizures and he needed to be somewhere where someone could watch him until they figured out how to stabilize his seizures.

I then used the "law" to evict my boyfriend. I have always deeply loved my boyfriend with the exception of his drug habit...and I am an alcoholic that was actively drinking at the time he was here...so I excused his behaviors alot because my behaviors were bad. I understand addiction very well and know he loves me but was unable to stop the drug for us..and I know why..addiction is powerful.

He had just found a job previous to me kicking him out and he hadn't worked for the 3 years previously....Its a good job...he is doing SO GOOD...He at the present thou..only has a week clean...where I have a month.

I attend AA daily...he does his recovery his way....

We both want to be back together..thinking the 180 he has done with the job and the effort to quit using...may be enough to keep us both on the straight and narrow...

We both struggle with income..but together now with his job we would be FINE.

My son does absolutely nothing here...pays nothing...and is stable now with his seizures...My son keeps telling me how happy he is to be home...He is 28...He HATES, LOATHES and despises my b/f.

However, my other immediate family members...parents and sisters...say to me that they have never seen me so happy as when I am with him..and they said it is "obvious" by looking at us when we are together that we are "in love".

He has so many postive traits that he added to the relationship when I was with him..and now he has more with his job and confidence level....

He doesn't understand WHY I don't give our relationship another chance.
He has offered to GIVE my son his apartment fully furnished...and closer to my sons work...and a very cheap rent of 600 a month in a beautiful area near a lake...a perfect bachelor pad.

But, my son does not even know I am talking to him...Since my sons seizures are caused by anxiety, sleep deprivation and poor diet..I try to do everything I can not to stress him out.

So, I am 53 years old and living my life for my son?

I sometimes think this seperation is good for me because of my mental health..seems to be improving with sobriety and meetings....But at other times...I miss him so much and he thinks his progress should show that he loves me dearly..he is never going to give up.

He just texted me last night and asked if we could see each other this weekend..and I said NO...because the Thursday before Christmas I saw him and we "made love"...In all other relationships I had...it was just sex as a job...after a number of years..but with him even after 4 years...it is making love...its a mutual enjoyment and always a pleasure.

I think sex is very important in a relationship and I have never felt this close and this trusting with anyone ever and don't think I ever could again.

He had always been faithful...made me #1...and I did the same for him.

I just miss him...and know if my son wasn't here...I would have him back here...it would make both our lives easier.

I think he has made enough of a change...learned his lessons...and knows what he has to work on....I have learned many lessons...and I still melt when I see him...which is why NOW I am staying away from him...because it is so confusing as to why I am chosing my son over MY happiness...and relationships.