just wanted to let you all know i've been thinking of you. december used to be my favourite time of year: my birthday, my sister's birthday, Christmas (which we all celebrated together as a family even though we weren't religious), winter break, the magic of snow and dark and quiet. it's become one of the hardest now, if not the hardest. my sister passed away a few years ago at 29. my grandpa died just a few weeks ago. and family celebrations became such a nightmare that for probably the last 10 years I haven't celebrated much of anything.

i've been in a dark place. it's hard to see a way out sometimes. and i just get so tired of dealing with it, and at 39 it's hard to envision anything getting much better than this. when that happens i tend to disconnect and withdraw. but i have been thinking of you all. hope the rest of this holiday is whatever you need it to be. happy/healthy/safe/sane new year, if i don't manage to check in in the next 2 days.