And now I rant.

I'm angry this morning. Night before last he called me about something and mentioned how he was going to go to therapy. I said something about how I was planning to do that once I get insurance through disability. He said again how he wasn't dropping me from his insurance. I told him how I can't afford the deductible. He was acting all surprised and asked if I couldn't afford it. Uh yeah, you know this man. That's why I never use the insurance, because I can't afford the deductible or the freakin co pays. Nothing new... been like this for years. He tells me how he cares about me and if he can help pay that for me he will gladly do that since he cares for me still so very much. I took a deep breath and thanked him.

What I did not do was scream at him about what a frickin slap in the damn face that lie through his damn teeth was. It hasn't even been two months now, hell maybe not even a month since I was making myself nuts trying to find a t that would work with me and my money issues and I couldn't find any I could afford to see. That whole time he did nothing. He offered nothing. So what's different now? The fact that he doesn't like where he is and is trying to play nice or something? Dude. Every damn time before now I have needed medical help, I get nothing from him. Everytime I need dental help, nothing. Glasses? Nothin. Therapy help? Nothing. Hell, this man once threw a fit when my last t tried to get me a bed in a trauma treatment place and he carried on about how unfair it would be for me to just go off and leave him here alone so I couldn't go get the help I needed and wanted back then. Why the hell do you care about me and therapy now, *********. Ugh.

I couldn't get that man to stop stealing from me, 'borrowing gas money' from me he didn't use on frickin gas or pay me back for, he pays zero bills in this house except things he wants (cable and internet), always has pot, expensive ***** electronics, whatever he wants... He doesn't help buy food, help with holiday gifts for the kids, he doesn't help get birthday stuff for the kids, he does nothing and now his ***** wants to help me because he cares so much? Where was this care when I was running out of food and having breakdowns because the damn water was shut off. If you care so much about my mental health you wouldn't have been setting me off then ignoring me to play on your phone and get high, *********. Grrrrrrr. You wouldn't have been lying to my face, hiding all this stuff from me, telling me how I'm wrong and to blame when you go and f*** some other person and blame your damn drug dealer for all the secret loans you took out because he never gave you the pot you paid for. Wtf.

If you cared about me and wanted to help me pay for therapy, you would've done it before now. All you really had to do was stop stealing from me and/or borrowing gas money from me that didn't always get paid back or even go in your damn gas tank. If you cared about my mental health so damn much you wouldn't lie to my face, steal from me, tell me how it's my fault when you do lie and steal from me, you'd do things like help me buy food so I could have help getting my basic needs met. Little things right? Maybe help with christmas or birthday stuff for the kids and not leave everything on me because you're to busy making sure you have cable, drugs, iphones, facebook, you know things you want and screw everybody else. I've had my damn water shut off, ran out of food and there you are getting high and it's my fault and I'm the ********* because I make you treat me like crap for whatever reason you feel like telling me on any given day. Just f*** you and you care about me and getting a damn t. The only reason you care now is because you don't like it that I put you out of my house. It's not me you care about. It's you. F*** you.

And there goes my angry little tirade of the morning. Breathe in, breathe out. I know this is temporary. I know emotions are temporary. I also know that even when it makes me want to crawl out of my skin, anger is healthy, so long as I channel it properly. Venting helps. It's part of the process. I got this. And that's where I am this morning.

-Avery