I wrote my therapist an email but I'm scared to send it. She is OK with email and OK with them being long.

Dear T,
I'm really feeling badly about your comments about our speaking on Monday. I just felt like you were really ambivalent about the whole thing and I was really sensing that ambivalence. First your saying how it is a holiday but you guess it should be okay to talk. That really hurt. And then you kept repeating about how I have to call you because you'll get distracted and forget. Remembering that takes my breath away- it hurt and it makes me cringe in shame. And then what you kept saying about how you do sincerely want to speak, but after what had come before, it just felt a little bit- I just couldn't really get myself to believe it and feel okay about it, feel safe about it.

The whole thing made me feel super uncomfortable because it makes me feel like I'm infringing on your vacation and like you're doing something that you don't really want to do, and that's the last thing I would ever want. And how you kept saying that a lot would be going on around you and you would be distracted by it – it made me think that if so much is going on around you, that I don't want to interrupt that or pull you away from that. I would never, never want to do that to you. And then selfishly, in addition to my concern for you that I'm bothering you, what you were saying also really, really hurt me, really hurt my feelings and stung me, I guess.

It's also hard because I really do (did?) want to speak on Monday, given everything that's happening with me.

It's so ridiculously scary for me to send this to you. I can imagine my sister telling me that here you are going out of your way to do me a favor and I'm complaining and giving you aggravation and so you will never do it for me again and I'm ruining everything. That thought paralyzes me with fear and really, really upsets me because I cannot tell you how much I sincerely appreciate what you're doing for me with speaking on Monday and how much it helps and how much it means to me. I couldn't bear to lose that kind of a similar thing going forward just because here I am being a spoiled brat and complaining to you. I have a very strong feeling that I shouldn't send this to you because even if you reassure me about this piece of it for the future, I will probably still freak out and panic about it afterwards, and I just don't want to live through that torture. But then, I'm feeling so awful about your comments and so unsettled that I also don't want to just swallow it and pretend that I'm okay when I'm actually extremely upset. I also can't imagine actually calling you on Monday – I would cringe with fear that I'm bothering you.

Part of me really wanted to write you now and just say that I was going to cancel for Monday. And I know you've told me that I can write that and do that if that's what I need, that I don't have to be good and follow rules anymore. And I'm sure there will come a time when I will have to do that, where I won't be able to get myself to write it out like this and be open with you. But I thought I would try this time and see how it went and see if I can get up the guts to send this to you.

Please don't be upset with me. Please, please don't take anything away from me going forward because of this. Please don't speak to me on Monday if you don't want to and I'm bothering you. Please, I don't want to ruin your last day of vacation. And please understand that I'm upset with myself for being so upset about this. But the whole thing just felt really offputting and it really hurt and scared me. I'm sorry for feeling like this. And please also understand how scary it is for me to tell you all this. But I just keep remembering you telling me how you're so different from my sister. I'm trying my best.