Yeah, he does tend to struggle with understanding that his actions/inactions do impact others. He gets caught up in his own wants and forgets about life outside his head.



I feel compelled to explain myself here for a minute. I do have a dissociative disorder. Something that has happened to me over the years is the vanishing notebook phenomena. I'll write my thoughts, journal, whatever, then go on a mad dash to throw it all away. I lose more stuff this way. I'm mostly trying to put stuff here because I know I can't edit/delete it after a few hours and I want to be able to have some concrete thing to go back and revisit later just in case I blank all of this, and because it helps me to be able to look back at stuff later and hopefully I'll not only retain some things, but gain some perspective to... even if I sound like a ranting lunatic now and then. This is one of the places I have decided to use as a journal of sorts.

That said, perspective drop from rereading my previous stuff today.

Um, I totally failed and still kinda fail to see that him redirecting his issues back onto me is really damaging to me. Sometimes I get it, sometimes I don't. This is an important topic to bring to the future t... how do I stop just expecting people to screw me over so it's no big deal when it happens. That's some dysfunctional stuff there. And how do I learn to know when that is actually happening or if it's me and my trust issues thinking it is. With him it's easy because he owned that behavior, but not everyone will.

The insurance/copay anger wasn't about the insurance/copay. It was about me feeling like my basic needs were being disregarded/ignored by this man because he was busy taking care of his wants. That's what I think this whole thing is going to boil down to. All of it comes down to that, he ignored me and did him. The deception/lies, money stuff, his phone/screens, house stuff, all of it can be summed up in him ignoring all of that and distracting himself with what he wanted.

Then there is the emotion aspect on my end. Note to self, next time you start disconnecting and can't remember if you are able to actually feel, yes you can actually feel feelings, so stop stressing that. I find it weird to that anger is suddenly a thing I am struggling to deal with, historically anger has been easier. This time sad is the the thing that is easier, and it generally is not. Thinking it's because of the release aspect of it all. I can cry my eyes out and that's like sticking a metaphorical faucet into my head and just letting stuff out. Anger is proving to be trickier because what you do with that? I don't want to scream and yell or break things. It might be an outlet problem as well as a challenge to just be able to be angry with him. So maybe try to find healthy outlets for anger. Apples and a baseball bat maybe? The squirrels in the back yard might love me for that one when they get to chow down on the apple carnage. Hm.

Plus side though, I do understand that it is ok for me to feel angry with him and roll with it. It's just so uncomfortable, but I know why... I self blame and turn anger back on me because I think I can only impact me and no one/thing else, so no point in getting mad at others, besides it's usually my fault anyway (not reality, just my skewed thought process here). It's like some dysfunctional self protect thing here. That or an avoidance thing, you know, if I don't speak up for and defend myself it hurts less when people fail to do right by me. Maybe both. I dunno. Stuff to take to future t... yep.

-Avery