Thank you so much for your response!
I feel a bit better now I share my thoughts instead of keeping it to myself. It also helps me to be with other people and have distraction.
But sometimes all of a sudden I feel REALLY axious and I have these thoughts like: what if all of this isn't real? I will never find out whether other people are truly alive , that they are in the same room as I am right now, perhaps this is a dream. It sounds so silly now I am writing this but sometimes it suddenly attacks me, that anxiety feeling. did you also experience that? So not only wanting to know why we are here, but also the anxiety feeling of 'what if I am not really alive..'? Feels really like you are trapped or something. I just can't understand life but you are right - we all don't know why we are here and probably we will never really know..

Btw I wish you all a happy new year