28, male. I have been seeing a therapist for 1/2 years. Due to social/general anxiety, depression and interpersonal relationship problems. I'm aware that many of you are familiar with the concept of transference in therapy. I am too, and i intellectually know why it happens. I have been experiencing it after 4 months since my first session.


I adore, respect, idealize her so much. I sometimes even love her. Never trusted anyone like i trust her. I am so attached to my therapist that i hurts, it hurts. I know I'm just a client for her, i know i will never have the chance to spend the time with her outside of our sessions, due to ethical reasons. She is very attractive, great personality, not only in my eyes. And, happily married, sign.... I'm feeling the pain again. It hurts so much to know that there is someone who is her partner, that she loves, that she sleeps with him. They are very happy together, and can't seem to cope with those thoughts. They are making me depressed again, very, very depressed. I hate seeing photos of them traveling together. You know, i talked to her about transference and that i have feelings for her, but i didn't go to much on detail (didn't mention her husband). She understood me, was very supportive and told me that it is normal for clients to feel this way. And then we talked again when i had a relapse to major depression. I told her it was because of the pain of what i was experiencing. She told me that was a breakthrough, a realization that therapy has it's boundaries and now i will be able to grow, to see therapy as chance to heal myself.

But that could not be further from the truth. I still fell the emotional pain, her absence between our sessions. I have never experienced this kind of pain before. I feel it everyday and it's draining me. The real reason I'm writing this post is because i am in a very bad condition. I'm feeling suicidal again. I wish to die, to end my pain. I was never able to fully heal myself because i "forgot" the initial reason why i started therapy in the first place. Now it's just my longing for her. I am very lonely and my scars are open again. I LONG, YEARN FOR HER. I want her to hold me, i want to fell her kindness and compassion everyday. I despise myself for having these thoughts. And i hate that the only person who makes me happy belongs to someone else, i hate that. I just wish i could free myself from those feelings. Why can't i just see it as a chance to have met an awesome therapist and person, and move on? Why can't i let her go? Oh the irony. the therapist that destroyed my suicidal thought is bringing them back, stronger than ever. I'm very close to end it all and i just don't know what to do. My hands are shaking as i am writing. Please help me, please.