E-mailed T Friday night because I was emotional and struggling with some stuff regarding MC. Was a little nervous about it after sending because I know it's not T's preferred method of contact (prefers in person or phone), but with it being holiday weekend, didn't want to bother him some other way. He wrote back yesterday to apologize for not getting back to me yet, that he hadn't had a chance to "break away" to focus on my e-mail. But then this morning, he sent a long, thoughtful response, which has made me cry each time I've read it (mainly the last section). He responded within my e-mail, so I'll post it that way:

Hi T,

Me: I know e-mail isn't your preferred method of contact, but with the holiday, I couldn't see you before our appointment Tuesday anyway. And I keep getting weepy about this, so I need to get it out. I accept the $45 charge should you choose to respond with more than a sentence (though maybe don't write $180 worth!)

T: I'll charge $45

Me: It was around this time last year that MC's wife passed away, so I keep thinking about my reaction. I shared a bit in session with you. Don't think I mentioned this, but I'd expressed fear that MC would change as a therapist as a result (his response: "How could it not change me?") I'd told him I was upset that he wouldn't have told us of her passing. He didn't understand why it upset me, which led to a phone conversation. About which I feel guilty, because it was less than a month after her passing, and I should have just left him alone. I'm generally a very sensitive and empathic person--but then I was selfish.

T: I think it's important for you to understand that it is the responsibility of the therapist to be aware of how personal events are impacting our ability to perform our job as a clinician, and to take appropriate actions to make sure that we are able to effectively do our work. That can include seeking our own counseling or other treatment, and even taking time off from seeing clients when we are unable to be effective. In short, it would be up to MC to make sure he is able to effectively be there as your therapist, and to not see you if he cannot effectively do so. It's not up to you to back away from your therapeutic needs out of concern for his well-being.

Me: I think I greatly damaged our therapeutic relationship by crossing that boundary. And it's also something I feel I can't talk to him about now because that would just be crossing it more...So I'm stuck in this guilt spiral... And then, I feel like the recent love e-mail (and followup contact) was the final straw for him...I just keep thinking, if only I hadn't clicked "send," everything would be OK...I just messed everything up. Like, I've shifted the blame to myself again.

T: I'm sorry you feel that way. I think there is a lot to learn and more for us to understand about how your relationship with MC evolved and reached this particular point. It's clear that there is a blurring of boundaries and from what you have described an inconsistency in how MC expressed/addressed boundaries that has made this particularly difficult.

Me: On Wed., we're planning to tell MC we're going to space out sessions to work toward termination. But, with all this unresolved stuff and the lingering transference, I'm scared the process is going to really set me back emotionally (as in, I'm scared for my future safety). Could we still consider a meeting with you, me, and MC so I could try for some personal closure there?

T: I do think that this will be hard for you. I'm open to communicating with you and MC to see about finding the most constructive way forward. I'm not sure if that will include a meeting of the three of us. I would not want your safety to become at-risk, and helping your mental balance/wellness is my priority.

Second, I feel like I'm starting to connect with and trust you as a therapist--which is a good thing, but of course also scares me because of what's going on with MC. I'm trying really hard to just trust what I'm feeling--how you haven't given me any reason to doubt you--and not listen to the fears. Because compared to MC, my relationship with you feels very different. I'm not feeling all the transference stuff with you--it feels like therapist and client. I get what the boundaries are (though hope this e-mail isn't crossing one--I promise it won't be a regular thing.) And I feel like you're helping me understand myself and trust myself more, helping to make me stronger. Which is scary in itself...

Me: So, to summarize: guilt, self-blame, fear, and more fear.

T: These are some substantial and challenging emotions to manage! I'm glad that our work is helping, and I am optimistic that you can continue to develop greater internal strength and confidence. My goal is for you to experience a great deal more internal peace, self-trust, and stability in handling yourself in relationships. I hope you believe that, even if we were to stop working together, you would be OK - relationships come to an end sometimes - most of the time, in fact - and people heal from the loss and move forward to new relationships. I know you may read that sentence as a warning that I intend to leave. That is not the case. I simply want you to understand that you can, have, and will survive loss - even the loss of MC if/when that happens - and the same will be true for me when that time comes. I want you to feel whole within yourself. Relationships are marvelous, wonderful things and in many ways the most important thing we do. But they are also finite most of the time, and that's OK. We feel sad over the ending of a relationship - sometimes emotionally devastated if we are particularly close to the person - but we must always hold within us the understanding that "I'll be OK, and I will have other relationships, and I can feel close and trust people even though there is risk of loss."

I look forward to talking more about this on Tuesday.