I just feel like I really don't belong at all. It's been like this my whole life. Everyone's thought of me as weird- my peers and my family. Even now, I'm referred to by my family as someone who's always moody (since I was really young), and spoiled. I'm treated completely like a child. I was bullied almost all of my school years because I was always socially awkward, weird and impulsive. I never fitted in no matter how much I tried to imitate everyone else.

Who can blame me for how I am now? Of course I don't have friends. I still don't even understand how people keep social relationships at all. I never know what to say, how to react. I either come off and too strong (usually oversharing my personal details), or too quiet. Even when I do make "friends", they're only okay for a while, but I eventually get bored and stop speaking to them.

Now, I just keep to myself, talk to myself, get upset at myself or overwhelmed easily by social interaction, wondering if I did anything wrong. Being social is a complicated and tiring chore that I don't want to take on anymore.

I'm beginning to just completely zone out, and disconnect from everything. It sucks because it feels like I can't enjoy ANYTHING. All I do all day research my mental health state, or watch youtube videos (usually barely paying attention - my mind elsewhere). Whenever I feel anxious or agitated for no reason, I just rock myself.

I'm sure I've posted enough on here, but I am 17, in college now. Yes, it's affecting my college life, as my drive is super low, and I struggle with focusing.