I'm trying to hold onto the thought (intellectually) that you might possibly not be completely and totally done with me. I keep thinking of all the times I thought this and it didn't happen. The problem is, that at this point, where I think that you actually are okay with me, that you aren't going to desert me, that you have positive regard for me,. . . . . at this point, it causes me so much terror because I think that I have been hiding my dark side and it would be more devastating if you gave up on me now that you have provided such a safe space for this side of me. You are now getting me to really, really, really, trust you. Things have changed within me somewhat. I still mostly feel like I did, my dark side just emerges sometimes or it hints that it is there. My dark side is my rebel with a cause thus far. ( like wanting to be more independent). The anger is empowering at times and annoying at others. I really hope you don't bail on me.

I keep deleting things because I feel too vulnearable.