Nice (in an odd way) session today.

I finally decided to blurt out to current T (after feeling way too ashamed to say it) that I'd done something really stupid at work and written rant-y emails to my (otherwise absolutely fantastic, just downright awesome, I'd-marry-him-if-I-could-and-were-straight) boss, to which after sending one lovely reply (that made me madder in the moment), he'd wisely chosen not to engage any more -- I'd been really pissed that a douchebag, moronic colleague was getting an award for his work (which was really a pathetic $25 gift cert).

Clearly, the dollar amount didn't matter (or even the award itself) but I'd been feeling increasingly like the perception of my work (which my boss has acknowledged is exemplary) by most folks in the firm is not so great and consequently, I've been getting screwed in terms of opportunities and so on.

So, I'd ranted about it over email -- breaking pretty much every rule one can think of in terms of communicating this sort of stuff to higher-ups.

Current T was really validating for a bit before blurting out "This is pathetic. Can you see that it is pathetic? Do you agree that it's pathetic?". I suddenly found myself getting a reality check and was like "YES, I know exactly how pathetic it is" and then I went on to talk about how I was actually okay giving up bigger things (a few thousand dollars in raises / bonuses) but had fixated on this 25 bucks thingie.

Current T, unfortunately though then became very T-like and somehow caught herself and back-tracked all over the "pathetic" comment -- I wanted to tell her (will do so next session, I think but not sure if she'd be willing to "go there") that it's actually the most useful thing she said because it showed me clearly what a crazy head-space I've been in (I've fixated on it and gotten myself into a frenzy -- which I'm wont to do when I believe I'm being trated unfairly -- pretty much through the holidays and to the detriment of my general well-being).

Argh....I wish I could somehow make current T believe that the few precious moments when she's "real" actually make all the difference to me and feel much better than her super therapist-y, super validating, reassuring blah blah persona.