It may be that you do need affirmation from outside yourself as to your worth. Most people do. You will never get it from your family. (They are too invested in that distorted reality that they've fabricated.) You've emerged from that family system with a sign on your back that says, "I will tolerate abuse."

I don't believe you look for abusive men. I believe they find you. I believe abusive people are very clever at sizing up who will put up with them. When you decide that you have zero tolerance for being assaulted, you will become unattractive to people who want to mistreat you. They won't waste their time on you. This might feel lonely . . . for fewer people to gravitate toward you. But, over time, you can repair your self-image.

It is illegal for guards who work in prisons to abuse inmates, even the ones guilty of the worst crimes. You don't have to earn the right not to be abused. It is yours, regardless of what mistakes you've made, or what inadequacies you might possess. There is no such thing as a person who deserves to be abused. Even individuals sentenced to capital punishment are treated with basic respect, up till the moment of their execution. Cops are not supposed to slap people they arrest, no matter for what.

These are important standards of behavior that define what we believe in about intrinsic human dignity. I urge you to adopt this belief and live it. In my posts to threads on P.C., I don't believe in telling people what they "deserve." I'm not qualified to judge that. But I feel plenty qualified to recognize that human beings have certain basic rights, regardless of who they are, or how they've lived. I was fortunate to have been raised to believe that from an early age. I do hope you will claim for yourself your basic dignity and right to not have that violated.

There are good people in the world. Finding them isn't always easy. It can be hard to break out of an isolated way of living. Believe me, I know that first hand. Don't waste your precious time with abusers.