My father had mixed feelings about my mother working. He missed her being home all the time, but he wanted the income she earned so they could stop renting and buy a home of their own. One night when he came home drunk he gave her a hard time. When I got up the next morning, there was sugar spilt all over the kitchen floor. My mom said my dad spilled it because he was drunk and she wasn't cleaning it because she wanted us kids to see the mess he made. Then she handed me a brown paper bag. Inside was one of her uniforms th she had ironed for work that he had ripped into pieces. She told she picked up the pieces because she didn't want the younger kids to see what he had done, but she saved them to show me because she wanted me to see. I couldn't have been more than 13 and probably was younger. At the time I felt special that she was making me aware of everything. Years later, I look back and don't think she was doing me any favor.

When I was grown up, my mom was still singing the blues about how difficult life was with my father. Oddly enough, she never wanted to listen to any criticism I had about my father, but would defend him to the hilt. Finally I said to her, "I didn't get to choose who I would have for a father, but you did get to choose who you'ld marry . . . and you had two other proposals before meeting him. So I'm not going to hold a pity party for you." After that my mother was kind of distant toward me for the rest of my life.

As a child, it seemed that one of my roles in life was to act as confidant to each of my parents. I now believe this cut into the time and energy I should have spent relating to others my own age. I thought all families were like mine. I still wonder what is normal?

It was easy to write my father off as the nutty one. But I did see that relationships are complicated. My mother was a little too fond of polishing up "the martyr's crown." She never did leave my father. He was a good provider and they ended up quite financially secure. They were quite companionable as they got older. I'm glad I withheld judging who was right and who was wrong.