Hi--what you're describing sounds so hard, and I'm sorry you're dealing with that. I don't know that any of this would necessarily be helpful to you, but I like to listen to podcasts about psychology--listening right now to one called "Progress Note" and looking at this site. I just don't want to feel alone, so I like the sound of voices, and I can often only relate to people talking really honestly about struggle. A few of the podcasts I favor tend to feature therapists, and I'm encouraged by hearing them so devotedly speak of their work. That gives me hope that I can be helped and helps convince me that my therapist wants to help and makes her feel like a presence to me. And it would be a little too much for me to try to talk to friends, because I feel like I'd have to conceal how much I'm suffering. So I guess I create just the right amount of "company for myself." Oh, and I have a stuffed animal I clutch and have been known to talk to. Just sharing... I hope you can find something that distracts you or gives you comfort.