I'm sorry you're struggling with this. And I'm sorry too if this seems blunt. But from my perspective, this is all something you really need to be working through, at length & over time, with a skilled mental health therapist. I'm pleased you've come here to PC seeking help. (And admittedly this is just my personal opinion.) But my personal opinion is that what you are struggling with is too complex, & it is causing you too much pain, for us here on PC to be able to be of significant help. We can try to be supportive & tell you it can be okay with the appropriate treatment. And I hope other members will do so. Perhaps some of them will even share similar experiences they may have had. But that's not going to change things for the better. Only you can make that happen by seeking the mental health treatment you need. Please keep posting.