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Merlin · 07:32 PM

I sent the following note to my pdoc. I haven't seen him in months and no-showed for my last appointment which was booked in late August. I phoned him and left a voicemail to let him know that I'd sent the email. I'd just like support while I wait for a response. I'm not sure when he will get back to work from Christmas holidays. The quoted text may be triggering.

Possible trigger:

Quote:

I don’t deserve your help. I am not a good patient. I no-show to appointments and I’m non-adherent to treatment. I’ve stopped taking my meds, though I’m sure given my lack of appointment and prescriptions that’s obvious. I shouldn’t have no-showed. That was rude and disrespectful and if you didn’t want to treat me ever again, I would totally understand it. As for the meds, I don’t see the point of taking pills that don’t help. Now, I’ll admit I could be wrong about whether they have helped in the past or not, as I don’t have the data either way. I know I’ve thought that they were helping. The problem then is the relapse.

I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want this life and I have no faith in my ability to change it. I’ll concede that this depressive episode will probably end, but I have no doubt that another and another and another will follow it. I’ll admit that I wish I lived in Belgium, not because I think that it’s such a wonderful country, but because it allows assisted suicide for mental illness. I know Canada is supposed to decide on the question sometime this year so I’m living until that happens. That’s probably more that living is the default and death by inaction is rather painful and would be prevented anyway. Nobody would let me starve to death. I’ve thought about actively ending my life. I’ve thought about (method removed), though I fear both the pain and the possibility of failure. I’ve thought about (method removed.) I worry about getting something other than what I ordered through the mail or finding myself facing drug importing charges. So, I’m waiting until the government decides.

I’m ruining my relationship with my parents. I know they love me and that will never change, but I would be surprised if they still liked me most of the time. I am a burden even though they’re willing to bear me. I am also a disappointment. Even when they try to lower their expectations, I fail to meet the basic standards. They should kick me out. It’s not unreasonable to expect me to get up by a certain time, or exercise, or go to work, but I don’t make myself. I won’t go so far as to say I’m unable to, but I can’t find the will to do so. I know that working and socializing more have helped in the past, though I can’t say I’ve given exercise enough of a trial to say either way. It makes absolutely no sense to do what I am doing or not do what I am not doing, but any delay between doing and enjoyment is enough to prevent me from doing it.

I don’t see the point in meds and therapy because I don’t change my behaviour and I don’t even know why I am writing this. That’s a lie, I’m writing this because I am hoping for something that will get me out of this depression without me having to put in any other effort. Is your magic wand working? I find myself thinking of ECT again, is there any way to prevent another mixed episode? Maybe just maybe if I can get out of this pit, I can do the work, maybe not, who knows. I don’t deserve your help or anyone else’s, but the consensus seems to be you need to deserve help anymore. If you want to help please give me a call at (number removed.) Maybe we can book an appointment on a day one of my parents isn’t working so I don’t chicken out and no-show again. If you want to charge a reasonable fee for my no-shows in the past, I understand. I can’t promise you adherence to medication or other behavioural changes so if you don’t want to help please reply to this email and tell me, just so I know.