Sounds like you've been through a lot, thought about and tried different treatments that you are unsure worked. I kind of know they only work for a while, in my experience. I'd love to not need them for sleep or to feel better.
I also missed 3 booked appts. this year, and I'm not sure whether he will refill my meds without seeing him, and then I will be going downhill fast.

I'm so sorry you feel like you can't live anymore. I've felt that way very much of the time, I hope you get to see him and get some help.