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Originally Posted by toomanycats
LT,
FWIW, my experience was that I was pretty much never going to feel it totally the right time to end therapy with a therapist who had crummy boundaries (and to whom I was insecurely but deeply attached). Obviously, for me, literally all control was taken away. So that sucked. But, I can absolutely see now that ending therapy was the right course of action YEARS before it actually happened. Not because S is a horrible person -- he's not -- but because the boundaries were shot, and, therefore, the therapy could NOT be effective for anything except creating an increasingly intense insecure attachment. Which meant that my brain would throw up anything and everything to prevent the therapy from ending...ever.
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I think you're absolutely right that, as you put it, crummy boundaries just reinforce insecure attachment. That was my attachment style to begin with, and it's continued with MC. And I think he knew that--he kept saying he needed to stop reassuring me, because all it tends to do is create a need for more reassurance, but then he'd keep reassuring me anyway. He was feeding an addiction, in a sense. Not helping to end it.
I used to think the looser boundaries were proof that he really cares, that I was "special" (even if he says all his patients are special). But now...I'm starting to realize more how it was just kind of sloppy therapy that may have ultimately done more harm than good. Not just regarding stuff with him, but also making me feel more insecure with my new T. And I feel safer with new T's stronger boundaries...
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I'm rambling.
My point is that "maybe this is 'I want to leave to stop MC leaving me'" doesn't, from where I stand only, seem like what's going on here. I'm far more inclined to believe that that worry (the worry that that's what is happening) is popping up to slow you down in choosing to leave because you are terrified of leaving (and, trust me, I get it....leaving is painful as f***, and I'm afraid of it too).
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You're probably right...that no time would feel like the "right time" to leave. I'm definitely scared of leaving--he's like a safety net for me in some ways, though feels less safe lately. Thinking of leaving him makes me feel this ache in my chest, my eyes fill with tears... But seeing this T now gives me hope that I'll be able to walk away at some point--and get through it, with T's support. (I didn't feel that with ex-T.) I have this thought of wanting to gradually space out sessions...but then I also wonder, will that be like pulling the Band-Aid off slowly? Will it be more like a slow death, drawing out the pain? Should we instead just determine a certain date, say, 2 or 3 months from now will be the last session? Or even sooner? I guess that's something to discuss with T tomorrow, because I also want to keep myself safe through all of it...maybe gradual is safer...