Until around xmas I was feeling quite good and had had a month or two of reprieve from depression. It has crept back in though and i'm struggling.
this might be triggering - mentioning of SH etc.

i find myself going online obsessively, imagining i could be someone else, because it feels like i don't "feel" real. like not in the way of feeling like things aren't real around me, but like i just don't feel reality properly. like everything is behind a wall and i'm semi-numb to it and just feel grey about it. in my mind i "want" to be anyone but myself because it looks like other people feel "real" and they are alive, whereas inside i feel totally meaningless and inhuman. obviously i know that all people have problems, many have extremely difficult problems. i just don't want to be myself. it's not really character traits i hate about myself, although i'm not mad about myself, but more like i feel fundamentally defective. like i can't form connections with people, i can't feel love, i can't feel intimacy, i can feel human connection, i can't feel the excitement of looking forward to something, i don't feel interested in anything. these don't change a lot when i am not depressed - when i am not depressed i just feel more sociable and see friends more, and feel less lonely.

i have just come home after work and feel despair because life feels completely meaningless. the highlights of my weeks are seeing my therapist usually, because it feels like i have space to talk and someone will listen to me, and i feel embarrassed and ashamed about that. i'm 28 and have never been in a relationship, have never been physically intimate with anyone at all. i'm not longing for a relationship - i rather feel completely grossed out by the thought of sex and even kissing someone, as though i'm nine years old and have never moved out of that mindset. but it also feels like i'm completely incapable of any intimacy with anyone and i feel excruciatingly lonely.

i just don't even know what to do any more, and i feel like i can't talk to friends about this. friends can't help. i say things and they just say the cliche things back and i feel the same. i'm seeing my therapist this week. i'm on a lot of medication and i suspect that if or when i speak to my dr (or if or when this depression gets bad enough to do so) the medication will just be increased. just feels like a pointless roundabout, because so far i've always ended up in hospital eventually, and then change meds, feel better for a bit..... and eventually back there. i'm in recovery from self harm and addiction but often feel like there's no point, because i keep getting depressed anyway. i'm spending a large portion of my time unhappy and fighting thoughts about acting out to escape unhappiness, and it's starting to feel like there's no point. i don't like my family, i don't want to see them, and honestly i'd rather just be asleep or act out. nothing ever helps definitively and it feels like i've always got to cope on my own.

i don't know if this sounds really self-piteous - it's not meant to. i just feel like giving up, really.