Howdy stranger, I could not read and not respond. Dead baby tome was about, is about my inability to grieve a loss that is so profound and basically pre-verbal. I never had the capacity to cry from early childhood until about 4 years ago and it was because I had to beat the crying out of myself or someone else would. Thus I could never grieve for that baby. Don't know if I have but man can I cry!!! oy vey! I am guessing that some of the same things are happening for you. You had to silence the baby in your so young mind and that is why she feels dead to you. She is not. Watch some children playing and think of the beauty that is them. Alive, loved, free. And think of dead baby, not dead, scared, stuffed into a corner and abandoned for living the only way your mind knew how. You are so very alive and you are growing. peace to your aching soul.