This is what's confusing for me. I'm told by my CPN my long standing depression may actually be bipolar but I don't have mania or psychotic symptoms. However I do accept that there are times when I am, for want of a better word, 'buzzing' - it usually happens when something stimulates me intellectually like a discussion with students (I teach and do research) - generally I am very socially phobic and introverted but an intelligent conversation can sometimes bring me out of that and for a while I do feel good - alive, connected, and like my mind is on fire and can take me anywhere. I get very creative and 'crystalline' in my thinking (ie I make lots of connections on a non linear level to create patterns) which can generate some intense and stimulating research conversations. Sometimes I get carried away when I feel like that and don't know my own limits as my inhibitions come down, I can be quite funny I'm told too when that happens. I do have a good dry sense of humour, I also take risks. Generally though it only lasts a few hours at most and it's not uncommon for me to fall quickly into a dark mood afterwards, like Icarus
ascending (on 'beautiful foolish arms'), I have reached heights only to fall into a pit of blackness. I start to second guess and analyse what I've said and pull it apart, questioning everything about myself, beating myself up for any mistakes.

Is this hypomania or just feeling good, even if just for a while? I honestly can't tell.

What really worries me is if this is just as pathological as my depressed moods then have I ever really had 'just normal'? Are even my glimpses of good feelings and creativity just a lie?