C,

Today is indescribable. Anger and instability, then gratitude and safety followed by terror, walls, doubt, and now just... I need to sleep, or I will do something I regret.

I want to reach out to you tomorrow, ask for a call if I still feel this unstable, but everything is a mess now, and I've lost my sense of safety and trust in you. Temporarily. And not fully, I promise -- please don't retreat.

You asked if I SIed, and I told you I did not. That was true. But I wonder what you'd say if I told you I've SIed in the past while seeing you and not told you about it. I wonder what you'd say if I told you "I didn't tonight, but I'm still not safe, and I honestly need you to check on me tomorrow. I need to know that you're going to check on me. I need to be able to tell myself that to keep myself safe."

C, I don't know what's going on -- why I've lost touch with reality as much as I have. Everything seems to be spiraling out of control (and, also, your being sick somehow scares me too).

Honestly? what I want to say is "help me. I need help. I need you to take care of me right now. I'm not ok. I'm not safe."