FallDuskTrain,


I know exactly how you feel. I'm in a similar situation as you are, because I am quick to cut people out of my life too, for good reasons that I don't regret. The only people I interact with are online, here and on my Facebook wall.


Sometimes I go through periods of introspection where I perseverate on being alone and how lonely that feels, how invalidating it feels, how disconnected it makes me feel. That phase can last anywhere from hours, to days, to weeks. And then suddenly, I'll snap out of it and forge ahead again, feeling grounded and not bothered by my being "friendless." Would I like to have a social life again? Sure, it's nice to have people to call and talk to, and go out with. But, I'm tired of people judging me.


There's a great poem that states:


some people

when they hear

your story.

contract.

others

upon hearing your story.

expand.

and

this is how

you

know.


I find that to be succinct and so true. People either judge you as "right" or "wrong" for them immediately upon meeting you. Others make take longer, but sometimes it's hard to wait for those people to come around. Sometimes, they never do.


I've also been single for a long time due to the emotional abuse I've suffered from the men I dated. No thanks. I'd rather be single and happy than with someone and miserable. No way will I settle for less, and you shouldn't settle for less either. Trust me when I acknowledge that while loneliness is the consequence of being single, it's a loneliness that is safer than a loneliness while you're with someone.


I don't know if I'm terrified of people as much as I'm irritate by people's phony baloney. I just can't tolerate fake people. Like, I literally have a ZERO tolerance. I trust animals faster than I trust people. I've fed up with the way I used to let people manipulate me.


All I can offer you is this quote from Nietzsche, "He who has a why to live can bear almost any how." I decided that I live for myself -- that is my "why." So my "how" has to do with how I am going to make myself happy, putting myself first instead of second -- be the leading lady in my own life story, instead of the "best friend" second fiddle player.


Very nice living room fireplace. If you had some chestnuts, you could roast them over an open fire...