I am sliding and sliding down. I want to ask for help, but I don't expect there to be any. In the past, when I've gone to the local psych facility, they'll say, "So what is it you think we can do for you?" It sounds more like, "Whada u want from us?" So I haven't gone there in a few years. Probably not in four years.

I take Elavil 50 mg every evening. It's a tricyclic and about the only thing that ever helped. I tried a dozen different drugs back around 2010 - 2012. Went in-patient, etc. I gave up on all that and just went back on taking only the Elavil. I take some Vicodin for moderate soreness of various bodily aches and pains. That seems to actually help my mental state as well.

My sleeping is screwed up. My eating is screwed up. I'm awful tired. Every morning I wake up deep in the quagmire. It can take the whole day to get out of it. Today I never got out of it.

I'm desperate to shake this off. I think maybe if I was ordered a stimulant in the morning. I don't have any real faith that anything is going to help. But it couldn't hurt to try something.

I have frequent bouts of feeling well. When I feel well, I feel quite well. I go into that state on a regular basis. Yesterday I was trimming the rose bushes outside. So I was doing pretty good just last night. But I keep sliding down. I'm neglecting things . . . like I haven't looked at my mail in weeks.

I'm being irresponsible. There's stuff in that mail that's important.

Even just to talk to someone who'ld understand. Not that I want therapy. I did that to death for many years.

I feel like, "What's the use? No one is going to understand or want to try anything with me."

I'm tired of the TV on from dawn to midnight daily. But my bf watched it all the time. If I tell him I am not doing well, he'll just say, "You'll be fine." Living feels miserable like this.