T yesterday. I was running late and somehow grabbed my H's spare car key instead of my keys. So I locked myself out of my house and car. Ended up calling a cab and texting T to let him know I'd be late. He said to let him know when I got there (he doesn't have a receptionist). Appointment was 1:30, I arrived at about 1:50, and he was sitting in the waiting room reading a magazine.

I was a mess, because I was mad at myself for the screwup and losing session time because I'd really wanted to talk about some stuff, plus I was intensely anxious from the cab ride (riding in cars--particularly the back seat--is a panic trigger for me). T asked why I didn't have any keys hidden outside the house, and I said fear of someone breaking in. He said they have one in the garage, which opens with a code, plus another hidden one outside that no one could see--you just had to know where it was. Plus their neighbors have one. He said it's because his son gets off the bus and is home by himself for a bit after school, plus his wife has ADHD (which he'd mentioned before) and is prone to forgetting things like keys.

I was still really anxious, and T asked what I generally did to calm down--did I do breathing exercises? I said sometimes, but my instinct is generally just to go someplace and hide so no one can see me. He asked if I wanted to step into the ladies' room for a minute, and I said it would take so much time to go to the one out in the main office building. He said, "No, the one right outside my door," and I said, "Wait, there's one right there?" He said it was technically supposed to be just for the clinicians, but he owns the space, so he can let whoever he wants use it. I thanked him and said I was OK for now. Then after a few minutes of talking and crying, I ended up going in there for a minute just to compose myself.

When I stepped back in, he was doing something on his phone, but instantly put it down and turned his attention to me. I kept saying how I hated that I'd missed part of the session (thankfully, he goes a full hour, so I still got nearly 40 minutes), and he asked if there was something particular I'd wanted to address. I said mostly MC stuff and I guessed the e-mail I'd sent him. Sobbing, I mentioned how we planned to tell MC today that we were going to start working toward termination. T said he got the sense I wasn't quite ready to tell him and that there was no need to tell him today. That I didn't have to rush into it. That I could just wait until I was ready. I said I guessed he was right and that maybe it made sense to wait a bit.

I said I wasn't sure the best way to go about ending--should I just rip the band-aid off and end fairly quickly or do it more gradually? But I worried that doing it more gradually would just make it more painful. He said I didn't have to decide that either, that we could talk about it with MC and try doing one thing, then if that doesn't feel right, we can always change it. How his clients have ended in different ways.

He asked what it meant for me to stop seeing MC. I said for one, it was having one less person who cared about me. T said, "I'm not so sure about that." I said I just had this image of, I'm not a client anymore, so it's like he flips off the caring switch. T said with past clients, sure, he doesn't think about them as often as when he was seeing them, but it doesn't mean he no longer cares. I said it helped to hear that.

Then I said, "The thing is, I feel like that's what happened with ex-T." How I'd e-mailed her to ask if it was OK if I sent her a longer update e-mail, and she'd said yes. So I'd sent it 3 weeks ago and she never said anything back. T said maybe she felt it was beyond the scope of what she felt comfortable answering. I said that even if she'd just said, "Thanks for the updates!" or, say, "Good luck with your applications," that would have been nice. But her lack of response made me feel like she was just thinking, "Thank God I don't have to deal with these e-mails from LT anymore. If I respond, that might just encourage her." I said how I felt like MC was probably thinking the same, like, "This has been so nice these past 3 weeks not getting e-mails or texts from LT."

T said, "Wow, it sounds like you really think you're a burden on people." I said, "Yes, really like a burden on anyone, ex-T, MC, you, H. I was worried you'd feel the same way when I sent you the e-mail, like, 'Oh no, now LT is starting to e-mail me.'" T said that I'd contracted him to do it, since I was paying (he charges for e-mails over a certain length), that it was part of his job, so it wouldn't be something that bothered him--he hadn't done it out of charity. He said he tries to be very clear with his expectations and boundaries. And if I ever start to approach something that doesn't feel OK to him, he'll let me know early on, like he wouldn't wait until it built up and became a huge problem. I said so not like it apparently became with ex-T and MC (referring to outside contact). I said I really appreciated his saying that, and I'd definitely want to know earlier than later. He said he tries to be like that with everyone, not just clients, like in his marriage, too. How it can be a big problem in relationships if people let stuff build up. I said it had been a few times in my marriage, and he said it is in most marriages (he does couples counseling too).

I said something else that worried me about leaving MC was that in the past, I'd had both ex-T and MC, then current T and MC. But then I'd just have T, which scares me a bit. T said that made sense, since MC and ex-T had given me lots of support over the years. I said how MC can feel like a bit of a safety net for me. Like, I can call him at 3 a.m. and he'll answer the phone--even though I've only done that once--and I know it's T's boundary not to do that (he doesn't respond to stuff between 10 p.m. and 7 a.m.). Though I said I guess it feels like things have changed, so maybe MC wouldn't be as much of a safety net as I'd thought. T said he understood the fears, that he knew MC had given me a lot of support in the past. I said yeah, during this one crisis I feel like he may have basically saved my life.

Talked about stuff I wanted to resolve with MC before ending. I said how there were things I felt weird bringing up in session with MC and H, which was part of why I might still be interested in the possibility of the three of us (me, T, and MC) meeting. T asked what the topics were, and I said two of them were apologizing for how I'd acted when his wife died (I'd said something over e-mail before, but MC had never acknowledged it) and then the love thing--like the e-mail I'd sent, wondering if he'd read it the way T had, like a romantic love letter, and just discussing that topic in general. And I guessed the inconsistent boundary stuff, too.

T said it made sense to just address one at a time with him. To maybe start with the one that seemed easiest. I asked him which he thought was the simplest to address, like from a T's perspective. He said probably the one about my reaction to his wife's death. I said I felt awkward bringing that up now, since it was around the anniversary. He asked me to remember what he'd told me in the e-mail, that it's up to a therapist to decide whether they can handle working if they have personal stuff going on. I said I assumed it was the same about bringing up a topic, that he could always say he didn't want to talk about it. T agreed.

He said one thing I could do, if I didn't feel comfortable saying it out loud, is to type up what I want to say, then hand a copy to H and MC at the start of session. T said sometimes he does that in couples counseling, if one person wants to say something but are afraid to. I said that sounded like a good idea. Though I wasn't sure I could with the love topic. Because I figured MC would read it, then turn to H and say, "So how do you feel about this?" T started laughing and said, "I seriously doubt that's the first thing he'd say!" I said, "Well, he's done that before, like when we've been talking about transference stuff. I mean, not the first thing, and I understand why he's doing it, but it makes it hard to talk about some topics. Even though H will usually say in session that he's fine with whatever I'm talking about."

I'd been sobbing off and on the whole session and had a pile of used tissues on my coat next to me. I reached over to grab a lightly used one to wipe some tears, and T said, “I buy those boxes of tissues by the 8-pack. Use as many as you want. You don’t have to reuse one for your eyes!” I smiled and thanked him, then reached for a new one.

It was time to schedule. I went with next Tuesday, but I asked if it was OK to change it depending on what happens with MC. T said that was fine, I could let him know after that session if I wanted to change.

Went over to his desk to pay, and I said how even though we'd had limited time, I felt like the session had been really helpful. He said, "Good!" Paid, and he held out his hand. I shook it as he said, "Good luck!" with a very caring look in his eyes. I said, "Thanks!" then headed out.