Does anyone else ever feel this way, or am I a bad freak of nature? I have BPD and........
Sometimes ( a couple of times a week) I feel intense hatred and resentment towards my CPN (nurse) and Support Worker, this occurs when they aren't with me. I have 'imaginary' conversations with them telling them how I really think and feel and I feel very hostile towards them. I am especially like this the day before or just after I have had an appointment with them. It involves me telling them that I don't want to talk to them and I don't want them in my house. It's as almost as if I am in my own little world and I can't seem to get myself out of it. Is it psychosis? Eventually this feeling of anger and 'fantasy' (for want of a better word) passes, and when my nurse and support worker come to see me I am usually ok with them. A couple of times I haven't felt like talking to them, and sit there seething with anger. I can't explain it, I don't understand it and this upsets me. I am genuinely worried I will snap one day and lash out at them in reality as opposed to fantasy. I don't want to feel like this towards anyone. I don't want to be ill.......I recognise I'm in denial sometimes that I am ill.
I feel like I'm 'Jekyll and Hyde' sometimes and I hate it. I don't want to ever be violent towards anyone. I keep wanting to cancel my appointments with them, and have cancelled my meeting with my nurse on monday morning already (I left a message on their answerphone today)
I'm so ashamed to admit this, but I have no one else to talk to. If I tell them how I feel then I'm worried they will put me in hospital against my will or stop coming to see me. Maybe it's best to just try and cope with life alone....maybe I am a danger to other people.
Please help. I'm sorry, please don't hate me