Hi, I'm almost 23, a girl, and I'm currently in a huge grief. I suffer from several illnesses, including NCAH (and PCOS as a result along with endometriosis), thyroid hormone resistance, severe vit D deficiency due to NCAH also and some comorbid problems. It started when I was around seven and hunts me forever since due to various, non linear symptoms and being physically different due to masculinization. I also have ADHD traits and all the anxiety caused by leading a life without feeling of control. I also have NVLD symptoms. Despite all of that, I'm pretty physically slim and attractive right now and I certainly don't look ill.

I started this job almost two years ago and it was a very stressful enviroment. 2 hours one way to get there (there is a strong lack of work opportunities in my area, I live in Europe). Physically demanding, a huge place with bright lights, loads of people and I'm very socially cautious. Despite shyness, I also have many specific personality traits due to brain masculinization, such as need for dominance, I have a rough physical features, I'm also very verbally intelligent and that is not always acceptable. But I'm also protective and this is what often kills me.

I worked in the lowest position at first, doing menial stuff, very boring. At first I was pretty isolated and wasn't joining others. But I had this wonderful, empathetic supervisor who himself struggled with anxiety, shyness and ADHD like traits. And he motivated me to join people, so I quickly became pretty popular among them, started studying communication stuff, body language etc. I also had big qualification despite having no higher education. He always listened to me, offered advice, was very kind. Higher managament also seemed pretty interested in me as a worker etc. They did everything they could for me and I quickly got a promotion to a lower management. Even though my boss was sitting with me and talking me through a panic attack before interviews. I knew what he wants and how his brain works and what he needs.

And there was this other manager who everyone feared, a little tyrant who somehow managed to control even his supervisors and always behaved in a very dominating, fear inducing way. He laughed at people, mocked them. He kept creating his own rules. He even mocked his own managers. A very insecure persona in need to control everything. He kept making decisions for other managers about their people. He started talks with them with "I have been watching you...". I remember him rolling his eyes at me, approaching me and telling me to "not stress" with tension. My friend refused promotion because of him, and everyone was complaining about him, even though not oficially. What's more, he was the worst one in the means of knowledge about what to do and how to do it and needed others to do stuff for him. And after my promotion I was supposed to work for him now.

He was nice when he offered me it. Then, he sat once and told me "You're under me now, so you better start getting used to it". And I started at him with silence. "Woah, I don't see you smiling". "Well, I think we'll go along somehow" i said. "I don't think so", his reply was.

And I went for a long sick leave after that, especially that my symptoms worsened due to rising stress. People were telling me that I should really think about accepting this promotion. But also, that he was the only one who could easily push me higher. The money I was making was already high for my age. And after around a month, I came back. And he approached me and said he knows what I was thinking, that I won't get the promotion since I was sick, but it's not a problem, I can get as much sick leave as I want (it was actually comfortable for him, since he doesn't really want to have anything to do with supervisors under him). And then he became his usual self: ignorant, neglecting. His manager brought me my contract because he forgot it. Other people under other managers were trained, supported. And he didn't even get me my new work clothing I should have get until this day even though I kept asking me. The new position was extremely demanding both physically and mentally but I was really good with my people. I just have authority problems. This man has triggered something in me, I never trusted him. I worked with other managers and he kept ignoring me just as he does with everyone but also was very needy. What's more, he kept constantly give us wrong information and at one point it almost made me to cause problem to another woman who already was so put down by him she wanted to leave. So I reported him to this one higher manager, the one who wasn't actually scared of him as the second one. Told about how people fear him, what he said to me. A little bit has changed, but his behaviour quickly came back to normal. I somehow felt like other bosses are waiting for me to report him again, but maybe I was the one to be fired,who knows. What I saw in his body language was always a disgust with me and a need to compete (i knew things he didn't). My conditions began to worse and I went to the hospital and after that I came straight to work and I was still depressed about one official diagnosis and very anxious. and I had to take a very difficult shift, my body didn't make it, I was confused and felt terrible. And then I just didn't go to work, I wrote a stupid message where I wrote about something told me about one procedure (which was actually right but the way he said it, I didn't believe it was okay "JUST DON'T TELL OTHERS ABOUT IT, talk only with me!" made it sound fake") and that I'm not covering missed shifts with anything and that I'm leaving. And he wasn't trying to stop me of course, so I was asked to sign the two weeks notice. I blocked this procedure with sick leave for half a year ( i know people from US may not get what I'm talking about).

What I regret is that instead of tackle the right issue of not being able to work under him, I made it about something different. And my next job will probably be much much tougher because it was the only one without constant night shifts and only 8 hours. And I surely won't get to managament without higher education there. It's also me not being able to take discomfort, including my illness. Perhaps if the decision was for a higher management, I could sort this out, but it is him that makes the decision.