I'm sorry that expressing your thoughts brings you grief. My younger sister also deals with depression so when I share my feelings of wanting to die, she understands. I only brought up my feelings of wanting to die with my mom once, and I don't think I'll do it again although she was very supportive. I just don't want to see her face & watch her cry like she did again. It truly broke my heart. I still cry with her & tell her if I'm feeling good or bad though.

I'm sorry you feel it physically. I can't imagine. Mine is more in my brain. It's a spark of a thought & then I'm off down the rabbit hole.

Sometimes I feel like I'm yelling into a void but knowing that over people feel the way I do helps me out.