I had my session and it was about like I thought it would be, which leaves me where I usually am when this happens: sad and slightly depressed. I learned some things about the way T treats me that I didn't know before. I know I have to learn to take care of that part who wants.....

I'm getting ahead of myself. T wasn't upset about my Googling or finding out her bf's last name. She wanted to know what most of you did: why do I feel I have to tell her? I gave her my reasons and she immediately brought it back to me, not her. When was the earliest time I did something bad that I thought I should be punished for. I couldn't think of much except one small incident when I was 5 and climbed a fence in my yard, because my male playmate wanted to. My skirt got caught on the fence and I was hanging upside down. My friend ran to get my mother and I don't remember anymore except being scared I was going to fall and get hurt. Maybe embarrassed I was hanging upside down too!

T asked what my adult Self would do if she were there. I said, "get me down and then hug me, and maybe say she loved me." I don't think I should have gotten punished though, and I probably didn't. At this point I told T I wanted HER to say she still loved me and she wasn't angry with me, so she did.

T asked me what I can tell that part when she wants to do something like that again, (not the fence climbing, the crossing people's boundaries) or when people don't tell her what she wants to know. I said I didn't know, so I'm supposed to think about it.

When I told T that I was triggered by her telling me "half the story", I said she was teasing me. She told me something new. She discloses a lot, but not as much to me as to other clients because I will want to know more and more, and it feeds my wanting to merge with her. So I take it that she understands when I say I want to be part of her life, but that's not a goal of therapy, so she ignores it. I said that it doesn't work because I want to know more when she doesn't tell me! She says that she works to have a middle ground in disclosing information to me! That makes me sad. She's doing it for my own good but I don't like it. She did tell me something about one of her children that she thought I knew, but I didn't. She's definitely not a blank slate T, never was. Just more so to me. For my own good. Sigh.

When I asked what were her feelings about my doing something she didn't want me to do, she said again that "everyone Googles; it's all out there, but when you tell me you found something, I feel like you're saying "Gotcha; you didn't tell me so I found out anyway." I agreed that's part of it. She doesn't tell me so that bothers me; it's the left out, being shut out feeling." So I'm back to "why do I have to tell her?" I said so that I can share her life with her; I'm not left out. Or that's my intention. I know therapy isn't like that and I'll never be in her life. She knows it's the wanting to merge but I don't know how to stop that.

So, we are obviously not done with this work. There's a lot that is still unclear to me. The way I react to T is stronger than I do in real life. She is concerned that I feel like I'm bad and have to be punished. I tried to say "I WANT to be punished" and spanked but she doesn't want to go in that direction, it seems. Her focus is on what I can do when that part wants to act in a way that's not good for me. My SELF is supposed to running the show, not that part. Basically what many of you posted, but I don't know how to do that yet.

My T is good. She stays on course with me, and refuses to make it be about her! I haven't finished grieving for the loss.

I asked her about not writing love in the emails. She said "you don't always write love either." I said, "yes, when I'm angry with you, so I thought maybe you were angry" She said. "I still love you and I'm not angry. I care about you. Can you hear me telling you that?" I said "yes".

I told her maybe I did it now because I felt distant because of my health and that session she was distracted, so I wanted to cause a reaction in her, and wanted intensity.

I would feel better if she punished me. Or maybe that's a fantasy, even a romantic/sexual one. She probably would have "glossed over it" like I feared, not being upset that I found out information at all. Idk.

One thing I did right away. I paid her full fee, said I wanted to start the year out right. She was very appreciative. I did the adult thing there at least.