I went into session and just told T what I have been thinking. I told him I felt really vulnerable telling him how preoccupied I am with him and how preoccupied I am with my inner self. He said what does 'preoccupied' mean to you? I told him that I posted all the time about him, worried if he was going to leave, stop validating me. I said I am preoccupied with myself because I constantly try to make sense of my inner environment. None of this alarmed him. I felt like he was very accepting and understanding.

I told him that I finally figured something out. I truly am not in charge of how I feel. When I feel abandonment fears, I am not choosing to do so. When I feel dependent, it isn't a choice. It struck me that I might not have to go through excruciating, traumatizing abandonment pain in order to get better. Previous T was completely ignorant of this concept. I know it as truth, as I have gone through feeling independent, where I didn't text T because I didn't feel the need to do so. It wasn't like I was desperately holding myself back so I wouldn't text T. It was like it was natural.

I told T that it felt like he had changed and that this was driving me crazy. I know I have changed so it makes me wonder if it is all just me. I told T that he was silent after I told him about a few certain things. I told him that I feel like I need his validation in order for me to accept a certain narrative that describes my condition at the time. If he doesn't give it a green light, it is like just sitting inside of my head waiting for approval. It's almost like I can't truly believe it unless he approves/validates it.

I often ask him if I am doing what I should be in therapy. And he said, yes, because I was disclosing to him what I have been writing/thinking/saying the past week, talking about it, and working through it.

When I leave, I do seriously start to second guess my positive view of everything he said to contemplate another negative meaning. This is painful but I have been able to overcome it so far this time.

I feel so much better, it is like feeling major relief after having being in pain.