I meet a new pdoc tomorrow for a one hour appointment. From what I've heard, he overprescribes but i havent met him yet so i cant be the judge of that. I woke up at 2 am last night and felt awake. I felt like no need for sleep. But depressed, then anxious, then angry. Ive been reciting prayers and screaming in a pillow. I joined a church sunday, and since then people from the church have been calling and texting to see how im doing. Im a mess. I feel calm, then irritable, anxious, depressed. I feared this was a mixed manic episode with the sleeplessness, racing thoughts, depression, and smoking cigarettes nonstop. But idk if it is. I have a suddenly huge appetite. I went grocery shopping and filled the cart to the brim. Been eating super mario bros cereal and swiss cheese nonstop. My mom visited me today and said i looked dead, like a zombie. I was very snippy with her and she didnt stay long. I just want it to end. Why would God allow me to have bipolar? Why me? Maybe i will enjoy heaven more when i die, i dont know, but the feelings are real right here, right now. I cant stand one more day of this. I think i need a big fat dose of zyprexa. God help me.