I don't want my T to be angry with me but I have actually asked him to be mean to me. My brain is twisted and I do not do well when people are nice to me. I can't trust it. I never know if they are really being nice or just saying or acting on that manner to be "nice". The nicer they are the more I dissociate. Based on my past, I am much more comfortable with mean. Even if unpleasant, I understand and trust mean. It is more believable and easier for me to accept.

Unfortunately T will not be mean. We have discussed this topic quite a bit lately. He says it would be much better for me to learn to accept people being nice. I hate it. I wish he would be mean, even if only for one session. I know I am sick and twisted.