I'm sorry you are feeling so bad.. it sounds like a lot is happening for you (((((hugs)))))))))

if you did end your life, I imagine your boyfriend would be absolutely devistated. you posted that he helps you, he helps you because he cares and he would be so sad to see you do that to yourself. I know it seems like that's a good thing to do now, but it isn't. you would cause him lots of pain if you did that.

have you spoken to anyone professionally about how you are feeling?

I think that's a really good idea if you've not done so all ready- it sounds to me like you really are at the end of the rope, and you shouldn't have to go through that alone- their's lots of help out their if you want it.

it sounds to me that a good thing to do might be to get an appointment, discuss your issues, and see if they can give you a diagnoses. it sounds to me like you have a lot more than just depression going on

I mean you mentioned your body- that could be BDD, you mentioned highs and lows/ so maybe something like bipolar or borderline... none of us here can say. we're all just members like you seeking advice and offering support

the best thing to do is to speak to someone who can give you the proper help that you need

of course, we are always here on the forum if you need to talk to us

((((hugs))))