Hello everybody
First of all I want to say that I am not an English native speaker, so I'm sorry for the language mistakes.
Then, this is my story:
Since I was born I have had a father and a brother always insulting me in many ways: telling me I don't worth anything, I'm not able to do anything, everytime I try to do something I make bad things because I am stupid, I am ugly, I am ridiculous. So they continued making fun of me everytime I wanted to say or make anything.
So I started to avoid speaking and I started to avoid making anything... As you can understand I wanted them to stop hitting me and I thought the only way was stopping living. But this wasn't enough. They continued anyway accusing me of doing everything wrong and making me believe I was the most ****** person in this world.
I also had a mother and a sister who were indifferent about this.
This continued until I was 16 years old. Then I killed my father and my brother in my mind. I started to ignore their existences.
Now I am 27 years old and I live with the same family. I don't even say hello to them when I see them. We don't talk anymore.
I thought I killed them in my mind but I have to realize they have always lived inside me and they still do... Because I hate myself. I really think I am not able to do anything. I really believe that nobody can love me and that nobody wants to stay with me. I really think I can't do anything worth in my life.
And I really believe my only option is suicide. I have always thought about it during my life, but recently I'm thinking about it everyday and I desire to crash my body on the floor after throwing myself from a very high building.
I have no hope.
I am 27 years old and I have never had a boyfriend. In the past I had some friends, but now I don't have friends anymore. Nobody can understand what it means to live 27 years without love, without a hug, without a touch, without a caress, without a "how are you?"
Since I am a beautiful girl there are many boys and men looking at me, but everytime a man looks at me, I turn tail and I run away, terrified.
It's a year and a half that I attend psychotherapy, but I keep feeling worse and worse day by day.
I'm always sad, depressed, angry, resigned, I never want to do anything and I always feel like I'm not really here.
During my life I have contacted many forums in my language, but as a last resort I decided to try to have opinions from people looking a different sky from mine